I have not written since the loss of my Mother. I miss her along with Hunter every single day. I still cannot believe I lost two of the people I love the most in the world in such a small amount of time. Every day I try to wrap my head around this and every day its a tiny bit easier. My heart aches every day- I love them so very dearly and miss them so much.
There is so much I could honestly say and write about, but I will try to keep this post focused. About a month after Hunter was born, we found ourselves putting stuff in the nursery. Random stuff- bills, winter coats, things gathered from my parents house, magazines, lots of birthday bags full of tissue paper from Samantha's 3rd birthday party in April. It's become chaotic- a bit unorganized and honestly just a bit of a mess. A pig pen of sorts. I guess in so many ways that room is a metaphor of how I was/am feeling- a mess, chaotic, unorganized in trying to figure out life after loosing the baby I carried for 39 weeks and 1 day. I have blocked off days on my calendar to try to clean it, but it never happens. One, because it is scary to face the tears, to face the dreams that wont be fulfilled. Two, because I dont quite know where I will put the stuff in there.
Well today I made it happen. I just started to take things out- to place them in the living room and in the kitchen. Then I started to tackle all of the baby stuff. I hung up the big poster I made for his funeral. I put the picture frame together that was just sitting around in a box- the kind that has a photo and then a place for his hospital bracelet, just like Samantha has in her room. I put the baby brother stuffed doll and big sister doll that I got Samantha for Christmas on the chaise lounge, along with the prayer blanket some family gave me. I put the books, poems and cards in the nightstand. I put the memory box with a scrapbook, photos, his baptism certificate and other momentos on the bookshelf along with a very special stuff elephant (an elephant a dear friend brought me the night Hunter was born in the hospital). I put mom and dad pins, crosses, and heart and angel tokens we received in a hunter green balloon memory box. I put his ashes and a cross on the nightstand and a candle which says "comfort" there too. All of these beautiful things gifts from friends and family- aside from the Christmas dolls.
There is now a place of comfort. I sat in the chair and looked around. I cried a lot- remembering what it felt like to hold him in the hospital and remembering all the dreams we had for him and for us. Its still a bit raw and tough to handle- especially told on his 6 month birthday. But I wanted to face the pain, so I went back through and read alot. Its amazing how reading something now is so different from reading the same thing 5 months ago. I wanted to share something that really brought me comfort and hope today. Ryan is coming home from MA today and I hope he finds the room to be a place of comfort and hope for him too.
My old boss- shared with me a letter from a priest to a woman who had also lost a baby and it says:
I cannot help rejoicing too, that you have a child in heaven now. This a certain truth you can bank on absolutely- the effect of Baptism. I am filled with wonder and gratitude at the thought that you, poor travelers and pilgrims on earth, are the parents of a Saint, because your child is in that heaven to which we all aspire. In a moment this child has gained seniority over any brothers or sisters he may have, over his parents, over all mortal men. He is more learned than the wisest of us, for he sees everyting in God. He sees and enjoys everything we wish for, and has immediately reached the goal we pursue with difficulty. You and your other children can rely on a tender protector before God. What a strength to have a Saint in the family! You have today two family centers- one here and one in heaven. You are equally loved in both these homes. You are held back on this earth, and you area waited up above, and your heart goes from one to another.
Isn't it beautiful?
And today I will not close the door behind me as we have for 6 months, but leave it open- I openly love my son and I welcome thinking about him all the time, seeng his picture, seeing the chair where I would have nursed him and rocked him to sleep, seeing the baby brother doll and big sister one by it's side. I think this is a step, a sign of where we are. What comfort. What peace. What hope. We have a saint in heaven.
I love you sweet angel up above.
I love you too Mom.
Mom, I just envision you are holding our sweet boy and loving him. Combing his beautiful hair and kissing his sweet cheeks. Please do this for me as often as you can.
