Media stinks

So I am scrolling through facebook, per usual. Over to my right are the stupid advertisements they have. I see a pregnant belly out of the corner of my eye in the ad and I just keep avoiding it as much as I can. Finally the pink belly gets the best of me. The ad says "give your child the GIFT of a lifetime from Gerber Life." Freaking ad, I hate it. I couldnt give my child the gift of a lifetime, i couldnt give him life. Stupid Gerber, stupid ads. I hate you.

Today I also got my BabyCenter email that said "your son at 5 weeks" in the subject and had I openned it would contain information on what my 5 week old should be doing.


Media sucks. Im sorry, it just does. I know its not their job to protect the 1% of all parents a year that have stillborn babies- but likely the number of other infant losses makes up an greater number but still not the majority I realize. But seriously its reminders like this throughout a fairly normal average day that just make me really sad and bring tears to my eyes. I know I tried and did everything I could to give my baby life, I did, it wasn't my fault that Hunter didnt make it- but darn you Gerber for rubbing the fact I didnt bring him "a lifetime" or something didnt bring him a "lifetime."

So just add these along with the formula and breastfeeding book that arrived at the house and the Babies R Us coupons in the to the list of every day, constant reminders that I have no baby and Im not pregnant either.

Shoot,what a way to end a night. Long day (will expand on that more another day- review of autopsy, some more blood tests, more speculation/research of what killed Hunter). Off to eat baskin robbins mint chocolate ice cream pie- thank goodness we brought that home after last night's family dinner. And yep we have double chocolate chip cookies here too- well maybe not for long.

Six Weeks and Wearing Mascara

"Loved with a love beyond telling, Missed with a grief beyond all tears." Author Unknown

Saturday nights are really hard. 10:03pm is especially hard. Its been 6 weeks. 6 weeks that seem to have flown by but also have gone really slowly. Today I wore mascara. Mascara and even lipgloss. I woke up just feeling like I could really conquer the world, or okay maybe just Kirkwood, so I actually "put my face on" and looked fairly pulled together. After 6 weeks I looked fairly normal and presentable. I did wear maternity jeans- thats only because I have found that they are so much longer and my old jeans, while fitting in the waist, are just short and embarrassing. One day when Im up for the horror of jean shopping I will take care of that issue. So I went out to the world with my little lady and had a nice morning.

Did I get home and break down after seeing pregnant women and tiny little newborns- YES. The last few days I have had very mixed emotions about pregnant women and newborns- I am jealous, jealous beyond words and sad, sad for us. But I also am happy- I really am, we really are, but its hard. I dont want want people to shy away from us, I dont want to feel awkward around people expecting, had a baby or trying to have a baby, but the reality is its hard. So please if you are a friend expecting, had a baby or trying to have a baby we really are happy for you and are excited for you because babies are the best gift ever. I also dont want people to be more nervous because of our situation and to cause you stress because of our great loss. Stillborns are only 1% of all US births- 1 measly percent (I still cant believe we are part of the 1%). So please if you are pregnant and seeing this dont stress about a stillborn and talk to your OB for reassurance. And please be patient with us- patient in how we learn to handle this. We just might not be able to ask questions, be around much, etc but we are trying and we really really are happy for you. Does it make me sadder for us? Yes. Does it make me jealous? Yes. Do I cry? Yes. But please please know we are happy and we too hope to be blessed with another sibling for Samantha and Hunter. So we might be selfish and distant but know we are happy for you and just need time.

So this was a day of ups and downs. It was so nice to feel more like myself- to have mascara on and lipgloss and to look pulled together. And then it was sad to think and to know that I cant be the old me any more when it comes to interacting with my loved ones. Its such a hard new reality we are facing. But with every day its getting easier and I just pray that one day, one day God will bless us with another baby- a sibling for our children (a rainbow child they say in the infant loss circles).

But for now, my sweet little Samantha is tucked in to bed and my other little angel is in the heavens smiling down at us. He's smiling and happy that Mom got herself together today. That his Dad caught the biggest bass of his life today. That his sister saw the stars tonight and said "hi" to him up there with the pretty moon. He was with us today- he was and he always is (sorry to end a sentence in a preposition and for the scattered thoughts in this blog).

Comfort and Tears in Music

There is something about music. Its healing but it also hurts. I am finding a message in every song I hear, especially in the oddest places. I cry, I listen, I search for answers.

This Christina Perri song brings me to tears every time I hear it and its on ALL the time now. It makes me so sad but I cant stop listening to it.

My recap: Time is standing still right now for us. We are trying to be be brave. We are not letting anything take time away from thinking about and loving our son. We wait for him, we wait- we hope he's going to just show up and come back to us. We wait to try to hold him again. We wish we could just hold and kiss him. We are dying inside missing him. In the end we know we cant be with him but what we know is that we love him, we loved him for the 9 months he was in my belly and we will love him for a thousand more years.

A Thousand Years (my attempt to get the words right)
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
Standing in front of me
Every breath every hour has come to this
One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling dont be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years
I will love you for a thousand years


The other song that also is on alot and hits home for me is Home by Dierks Bentley. I know there are better days ahead. I do know that, cant imagine it yet but I know its there. This year has been a long hard ride- a long hard ride for my family since my Mom's cancer decided to take over in the middle of the summer to Hunter's passing.. . and the grieving and the pain isn't over, we've got a way to go. But we have home- we have our friends- we have our family and one day its gonna be better. We have each other, but its been a long hard year.

Home

From the mountain tops
To the wave crashed coast
Theres a way to find better days I know
Its been a long hard ride
Gotta ways to go
But this is still the place that we all call home

The Public

I knew going out in public and starting to be "normal" would be beyond difficult. There are no words for the pain endured these first few weeks going out in the public.

First it was the receptionist at the OB appt two weeks after I left the hospital. I checked in and mind you I confirmed my insurance information for the 100th time since I was pregnant, I hate every week or every other week being asked that same question. For crying out loud you see me all the time NO MY INSURANCE INFORMATION HASN'T CHANGED AND WHEN IT DOES I WILL TELL YOU. I know they have to do it, but it always bugs me. Then, the receptionist shut the thin little glass window and I heard her say to the nurse- "thats the girl right, the one that had had the dead baby, right?" Yep thats me, thanks. I am that girl. I am more than that you freaking idiot- I am Hunter's mom- I am a woman that just went through 9 long months of being pregnant and lost a gorgeous baby boy and I can hear you. I didnt loose my hearing when my baby died. Get some common sense, get some compassion for crying out loud.

Then the nurse wanted to have the Dr's student come in to the room with me. She asked if it was alright and I said "I mean if they want to see me cry." Luckily the Dr had more sense and came alone and was very kind and understanding.

I kept putting off going for coffee. If you know me, you know I love coffee and I love the experience of getting coffee in a paper cup, its so much better than a reusable cup it really is. Sorry all you green folks- I do try to use a reusable cup 80% of the time. So because I get coffee frequently many of the cashiers kinda know me. So finally I went in for a cup- I could tell they were looking at by belly. Finally my cashier friend said "what did you have?" Uggh. The pit of my stomach hurt. It wasn't her fault, she didnt know, but it still hurt.

And just yesterday I finally said "I can do it, I can get a pedicure." I love my manicures and pedicures and I absolutely adore the salon I use. Their tag line is "I love you." When you book an appt they say it before you hang up. When you pay they say it. Its a great thing, it really is. My feet were needing some love but I didnt know if I was strong enough to go back in there- to see my salon friends that knew all about the baby boy. I didnt know what to do. I didnt really want to go anywhere else because nowhere else is as good and I'd rather give my girls the money than some stranger. The other thing was this was one of the last places I had been before I had Hunter. That last time was a really happy time- I felt good, I was going to have a baby in 3 days, Samantha was getting over her sickness, I was pampering me. Going back in there now was really sad- I wasn't pregnant nor did I have a new baby. But I did it- I did it, I cant believe I did it. When I made the appt I asked if they knew what had happened- they said they did and I asked them to not speak of it. They listened and I went in and had a nice time- they showed me love and said they loved me and respected my wishes.

A huge step- I did it I relived one of the last moments before the worst moment of my life. But man, man did I wish I was either pregnant or had a baby and not just pretty toes.

Our blog

I am starting this blog right now to share our story. It may become something more or less another day. I don't know how often I will post or not post. I don't know what I will share- this blog will become what it needs to be for me, for us, and for those that know us and maybe don't know us. For all those that are thinking of us, praying for us, bringing us meals, running our errands, sending us thoughtful gifts, and so much more, we realize that only some of you actually even know what has happened to us. I mean you know our son has passed but that's all. So this blog is meant to help share the story of Hunter's birth and to share our forever love for our beautiful son and Samantha's little brother.

This blog will not be fancy- shoot I may not even proofread. I just want it to be factual and to walk you through our story and our emotions since that cold sad day in January. We are forever changed and our hearts are forever broken.

You are now part of our journey.

Our Angel. Our Star in the Sky.

Hunter Charles Webb









On Saturday January 14, 2012 I woke up feeling good and was off to embark on a day of errands and pampering. The week before had been a long hard week and full of moments and incidents I go back over and over in my head. I question everything about the week- its painful and still leads us to no answers. I am sure I will expand more on the week prior to Hunter's arrival in the future. Right now there is nothing about that hard week that medically has been linked to Hunter's passing and going back over and over everything is just more of the grieving process for us Angel Moms and Dads.

So after a wonderful manicure and pedicure and trip to the post office, I got home to have lunch with Ryan and Samantha. I realized that I hadn't felt a kick in a little bit so I had lemonade and a cookie and still no kicks. Panic. I called the Dr's exchange and sat in bed waiting for his call back. We researched things online and convinced ourselves that likely our baby boy was sleeping or had little room to kick since we were so far along (over 39 weeks- in fact just 3 days before my scheduled csection date). While I waited for the Dr, I also called Mercy Hospital's Labor and Delivery Dept and they said to come in. So I started to walk around to figure out what to do, what to bring, what to wear. . .to bring the whole hospital bag- I mean we were just going to hear the heartbeat and make sure everything was alright, right? Or were we delivering our baby? So confusing. So scary. We brought the bag and we brought Samantha with us as we didn't want to alarm anyone and try to find care for her. Plus I didn't know that we had time to chase down someone to take care of her. The Dr called back and confirmed that we needed to go to the hospital. On that drive over I started to realize that something was really wrong- I was numb inside. We were numb and hardly talked on the way over. We were scared.

This is painful to go back over. I also don't want to give all the details, otherwise this blog posting will be a book. So I will keep it more straightforward for now, maybe. We got to the hospital and the nurses hooked me up to the monitors. Samantha played in the corner with the bag of toys we brought. Nothing. No heartbeat. Panic on the nurses face. Then they brought in a resident and then more goop and ultrasound checking and they still thought they were missing something. No heartbeats again. Then a chief resident who confirmed no heartbeat. Then our OB came in to the hospital to take the final look. No heartbeat. At this point the nurses had taken Samantha out to another room to play. Our baby boy was no longer with us, he had passed on. When? How? Why? Shock. Panic. Extreme pain.

What happened after that is all a bit of a blur. We called our families. My aunt came to take Samantha. My Dad and Sister came to be by our side (and my Mom was there in spirit from her bedside continuing a battle with terminal cancer) and we called Ryan's parents. The hospital called our Church. We had to decide to labor or to do a csection as was planned. We had to finalize our name for him, although we were 90% already. We had to think about so many things and to hear words we never ever imagined. Fetal demise. Autopsy.

We quickly decided on his name. Hunter Charles- for sure, no question. Hunter for our love for the name and for the dreams we had for him- to hunt, fish and love the outdoors just like his Daddy. Charles for Ryan's Dad's family- Ryan's dad is Harry Charles and thus they share the same initials now. Charles was Harry's Dad who passed away far too young as well. Ryan's brother also has Charles as his middle name. All very fitting. No question, we didn't even need to meet him- we knew for sure this was our Hunter. And now meeting him, he could never be anything else. He is our baby boy Hunter Charles Webb.

So we decided to have the csection for various reasons. But I had eaten lunch so we had to wait. I remember feeling like I wanted him to be born, that I didn't want to be pregnant any more and be carrying my dead son. I wanted to somehow make this all go away. I was scared to see him. I was scared not to see him. I wished I hadn't eaten so we could move forward instead of having these dreadful hours. We had to wait 6 to deliver our baby boy who was not going to arrive screaming. We weren't going to hear this voice. We weren't going to feel his breath. We weren't going to feel a heartbeat. We waited for 6 hours for what was going to be extreme pain. I don't even know what we did those hours, I really don't.

Father Mike came in those 6 hours that I know- he said prayers with us, hugged us and baptized Hunter through my body and blood. He is forever part of God's family.

In the 9 o'clock hour they started to get me ready for the csection. So many things about the process I don't even remember from Samantha's delivery. Everything took so long and hurt. I think this time it was all preparation for what was to come. With Samantha's csection preparation we were excited and gitty and so nothing really mattered. Every step was just leading to a really sad moment. So at 10:03pm Hunter Charles arrived. They kept asking us if we wanted to see him, hold him, get pictures, etc. I couldn't imagine- I said no. Looking back how could I have said that initially? But they talked us through it and reminded us these moments, days etc were all we were going to have and so we did meet him, we did hold him. Ryan went with the nurses to watch them wash him off. He watched them take his footprint. Ryan got to do all the same things he had done with Samantha. I got to look over at my beautiful son, with a gorgeous head of hair. But there were no screams, no voices. It was all very silent.

They examined Hunter, there was some discoloration of the umbilical cord but otherwise he looked great. He was 8lbs and .23 ounces. He was 20 3/4 inches. He had great color and awesome hair. He was adorable, he is adorable. He resembles Samantha in so many ways. He is beautiful and perfect and how could he be dead? He is a gorgeous little man, our little buddy, but he's an angel. He was born asleep. He was born an angel. He was stillborn. We are parents to an angel not to a screaming, hungry newborn. How could someone who looked so perfect and healthy not be alive? Its still so confusing and horrific. It still hurts from the bottom of my stomach. It makes no sense at all. What happened- why? how? what did we miss? why did this happen to us?

Only 1 percent of all births in the US are stillborn. We are part of the 1%. 1%. How? Why? Why did our baby die in the womb- why weren't we allowed to meet him? Why weren't we going to be able to see him grow up? Why?

We were in the hospital for 4 days. We met him, we held him, we had photos taken, we read to him, we prayed with him. We kissed him. We did everything we could for him. He slept in the room with us bundled in the blanket we had with his name on it. We held on to those days. We didn't want to leave. At the time I didn't think I could handle being with him, taking pictures with him, etc but the nurses helped counsel us and I am so grateful that they were so wonderful.

We now at least have 4 days of memories with our son. 4 days. That's all we got and he wasn't alive. We never got to know him, hear him, have him hold our finger, feed him. We got no living days with our son who was born at 39 weeks and full-term. We have no memories of our son alive. We had all sorts of dreams for him. Samantha never got to come in to the room and meet him. We didn't get that photo of her in her Big Sister shirt and Hunter in his Little Brother shirt. The one we dreamed of emailing out and putting on facbeook when he was born. We had none of those moments. But we did have moments and time with him- time we will forever treasure.

I went home from the hospital on January 18th not with a baby in my arms but a box. A box of memories- clothes he wore, prayers, grievance books.

After some tests in the hospital and some tests that have come back since then, we have no answers. Yes there was some discoloration on the cord but not anything where they could conclusively say the umbilical cord caused the problem. My blood work and tests showed no issues. The autopsy has showed some things but nothing conclusive. We go back to see the OB and go over the full autopsy on the 27th of February. We have no answers. Half of all stillborn births have the same results- no answers, no conclusions on why the baby died. Its horrific to not know- was there something that was wrong with him or with me, was there something that could have been done, did we miss something at the last OB appointment just 2 days before his birth? So many questions and no answers. We are left wondering. We are left scared for another pregnancy- could this happen again?

So the journey for answers is not done for us. We hope to learn something, but the reality is that we likely will not. We will always wonder why we never got to meet our son- why we never got to see him grow up. We will never take him to his first little league game, we will never see him at the Father Son Fishing Derby, we will never see him go to college, we will never see him get married. We will never feel him hug us or kiss us. We will never hear him say he loves us. We will never see him playing in the front yard with Samantha. We will never document in his baby book when he first sat up, rolled over, said his first word, took his first step. We have been robbed.

Every year on January 14th instead of celebrating with him, we will be wondering if he was here what would he be like, what would he like, what would he look like, what he would be doing? Would he like Elmo and Sesame like Samantha? Would he like to play outside? Would he like to play with Sophie the Giraffe? Would he like a binkie? Would he be talking? Would he will walking? Will he be in to sports or music? Will he have a girlfriend? Will he be learning to fish, hunt, ski? Will he love to follow his sister around? Will he color on our walls with crayon? Will he have ear infections all the time? Will he have decided on a college? Will he be a momma's boy? We will never know. Every day, every year, every moment we will wonder.

We love him. We will always love him. He will always be our son. He will always be Samantha's brother. We will never forget him.

He is our angel. He is our star in the sky.