Six Weeks and Wearing Mascara

"Loved with a love beyond telling, Missed with a grief beyond all tears." Author Unknown

Saturday nights are really hard. 10:03pm is especially hard. Its been 6 weeks. 6 weeks that seem to have flown by but also have gone really slowly. Today I wore mascara. Mascara and even lipgloss. I woke up just feeling like I could really conquer the world, or okay maybe just Kirkwood, so I actually "put my face on" and looked fairly pulled together. After 6 weeks I looked fairly normal and presentable. I did wear maternity jeans- thats only because I have found that they are so much longer and my old jeans, while fitting in the waist, are just short and embarrassing. One day when Im up for the horror of jean shopping I will take care of that issue. So I went out to the world with my little lady and had a nice morning.

Did I get home and break down after seeing pregnant women and tiny little newborns- YES. The last few days I have had very mixed emotions about pregnant women and newborns- I am jealous, jealous beyond words and sad, sad for us. But I also am happy- I really am, we really are, but its hard. I dont want want people to shy away from us, I dont want to feel awkward around people expecting, had a baby or trying to have a baby, but the reality is its hard. So please if you are a friend expecting, had a baby or trying to have a baby we really are happy for you and are excited for you because babies are the best gift ever. I also dont want people to be more nervous because of our situation and to cause you stress because of our great loss. Stillborns are only 1% of all US births- 1 measly percent (I still cant believe we are part of the 1%). So please if you are pregnant and seeing this dont stress about a stillborn and talk to your OB for reassurance. And please be patient with us- patient in how we learn to handle this. We just might not be able to ask questions, be around much, etc but we are trying and we really really are happy for you. Does it make me sadder for us? Yes. Does it make me jealous? Yes. Do I cry? Yes. But please please know we are happy and we too hope to be blessed with another sibling for Samantha and Hunter. So we might be selfish and distant but know we are happy for you and just need time.

So this was a day of ups and downs. It was so nice to feel more like myself- to have mascara on and lipgloss and to look pulled together. And then it was sad to think and to know that I cant be the old me any more when it comes to interacting with my loved ones. Its such a hard new reality we are facing. But with every day its getting easier and I just pray that one day, one day God will bless us with another baby- a sibling for our children (a rainbow child they say in the infant loss circles).

But for now, my sweet little Samantha is tucked in to bed and my other little angel is in the heavens smiling down at us. He's smiling and happy that Mom got herself together today. That his Dad caught the biggest bass of his life today. That his sister saw the stars tonight and said "hi" to him up there with the pretty moon. He was with us today- he was and he always is (sorry to end a sentence in a preposition and for the scattered thoughts in this blog).