The Public

I knew going out in public and starting to be "normal" would be beyond difficult. There are no words for the pain endured these first few weeks going out in the public.

First it was the receptionist at the OB appt two weeks after I left the hospital. I checked in and mind you I confirmed my insurance information for the 100th time since I was pregnant, I hate every week or every other week being asked that same question. For crying out loud you see me all the time NO MY INSURANCE INFORMATION HASN'T CHANGED AND WHEN IT DOES I WILL TELL YOU. I know they have to do it, but it always bugs me. Then, the receptionist shut the thin little glass window and I heard her say to the nurse- "thats the girl right, the one that had had the dead baby, right?" Yep thats me, thanks. I am that girl. I am more than that you freaking idiot- I am Hunter's mom- I am a woman that just went through 9 long months of being pregnant and lost a gorgeous baby boy and I can hear you. I didnt loose my hearing when my baby died. Get some common sense, get some compassion for crying out loud.

Then the nurse wanted to have the Dr's student come in to the room with me. She asked if it was alright and I said "I mean if they want to see me cry." Luckily the Dr had more sense and came alone and was very kind and understanding.

I kept putting off going for coffee. If you know me, you know I love coffee and I love the experience of getting coffee in a paper cup, its so much better than a reusable cup it really is. Sorry all you green folks- I do try to use a reusable cup 80% of the time. So because I get coffee frequently many of the cashiers kinda know me. So finally I went in for a cup- I could tell they were looking at by belly. Finally my cashier friend said "what did you have?" Uggh. The pit of my stomach hurt. It wasn't her fault, she didnt know, but it still hurt.

And just yesterday I finally said "I can do it, I can get a pedicure." I love my manicures and pedicures and I absolutely adore the salon I use. Their tag line is "I love you." When you book an appt they say it before you hang up. When you pay they say it. Its a great thing, it really is. My feet were needing some love but I didnt know if I was strong enough to go back in there- to see my salon friends that knew all about the baby boy. I didnt know what to do. I didnt really want to go anywhere else because nowhere else is as good and I'd rather give my girls the money than some stranger. The other thing was this was one of the last places I had been before I had Hunter. That last time was a really happy time- I felt good, I was going to have a baby in 3 days, Samantha was getting over her sickness, I was pampering me. Going back in there now was really sad- I wasn't pregnant nor did I have a new baby. But I did it- I did it, I cant believe I did it. When I made the appt I asked if they knew what had happened- they said they did and I asked them to not speak of it. They listened and I went in and had a nice time- they showed me love and said they loved me and respected my wishes.

A huge step- I did it I relived one of the last moments before the worst moment of my life. But man, man did I wish I was either pregnant or had a baby and not just pretty toes.