I often think about posting. I really want to get back to doing it- its helpful for me to share and I hear from others its helpful to hear how we are doing. So, I will get back to it. One day.
Today a little post and some info.
So much of our life is normal- we work, we go to preschool, we clean, we do yardwork, we go out to most social events. But then there is so much of our life that is not normal. Crying looking at pictures, a pain that never quite goes away, dreams of a baby we never got to see take his first breath or hear his first cry, anxiety thinking about Christmas without my Mom and all her traditions, nervousness meeting up with people or talking to people with babies- mostly baby boys. A moment of crying for my son and the next crying missing my Mom. Sitting on conference calls and then getting really sad and during lunch taking a shower and crying. Its just our new reality, one I wish I could send back. Our new normal.
So as much as I hate our new normal and our new reality. I love our baby, and I love my Mom. So I try to focus on that love and their memory and cherish those things as much as I can and not be overcome by pity, anger, pain, hatred, or confusion (and there is mostly a lot of confusion and questions about why?).
That was my short post.
I like to cherish the memories and the dreams that once were. So join us in remembering Hunter and helping spread HOPE. Hope that one day there will be answers for why babies die for no reason. Hope that we can have another healthy living child one day. Hope that we can help comfort others in pain. Help us remember the sweet son that we get to forever love. Walk or donate.
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Sunday, September 2, 2012
Saturday, July 14, 2012
6 months
I have not written since the loss of my Mother. I miss her along with Hunter every single day. I still cannot believe I lost two of the people I love the most in the world in such a small amount of time. Every day I try to wrap my head around this and every day its a tiny bit easier. My heart aches every day- I love them so very dearly and miss them so much.
There is so much I could honestly say and write about, but I will try to keep this post focused. About a month after Hunter was born, we found ourselves putting stuff in the nursery. Random stuff- bills, winter coats, things gathered from my parents house, magazines, lots of birthday bags full of tissue paper from Samantha's 3rd birthday party in April. It's become chaotic- a bit unorganized and honestly just a bit of a mess. A pig pen of sorts. I guess in so many ways that room is a metaphor of how I was/am feeling- a mess, chaotic, unorganized in trying to figure out life after loosing the baby I carried for 39 weeks and 1 day. I have blocked off days on my calendar to try to clean it, but it never happens. One, because it is scary to face the tears, to face the dreams that wont be fulfilled. Two, because I dont quite know where I will put the stuff in there.
Well today I made it happen. I just started to take things out- to place them in the living room and in the kitchen. Then I started to tackle all of the baby stuff. I hung up the big poster I made for his funeral. I put the picture frame together that was just sitting around in a box- the kind that has a photo and then a place for his hospital bracelet, just like Samantha has in her room. I put the baby brother stuffed doll and big sister doll that I got Samantha for Christmas on the chaise lounge, along with the prayer blanket some family gave me. I put the books, poems and cards in the nightstand. I put the memory box with a scrapbook, photos, his baptism certificate and other momentos on the bookshelf along with a very special stuff elephant (an elephant a dear friend brought me the night Hunter was born in the hospital). I put mom and dad pins, crosses, and heart and angel tokens we received in a hunter green balloon memory box. I put his ashes and a cross on the nightstand and a candle which says "comfort" there too. All of these beautiful things gifts from friends and family- aside from the Christmas dolls.
There is now a place of comfort. I sat in the chair and looked around. I cried a lot- remembering what it felt like to hold him in the hospital and remembering all the dreams we had for him and for us. Its still a bit raw and tough to handle- especially told on his 6 month birthday. But I wanted to face the pain, so I went back through and read alot. Its amazing how reading something now is so different from reading the same thing 5 months ago. I wanted to share something that really brought me comfort and hope today. Ryan is coming home from MA today and I hope he finds the room to be a place of comfort and hope for him too.
My old boss- shared with me a letter from a priest to a woman who had also lost a baby and it says:
I cannot help rejoicing too, that you have a child in heaven now. This a certain truth you can bank on absolutely- the effect of Baptism. I am filled with wonder and gratitude at the thought that you, poor travelers and pilgrims on earth, are the parents of a Saint, because your child is in that heaven to which we all aspire. In a moment this child has gained seniority over any brothers or sisters he may have, over his parents, over all mortal men. He is more learned than the wisest of us, for he sees everyting in God. He sees and enjoys everything we wish for, and has immediately reached the goal we pursue with difficulty. You and your other children can rely on a tender protector before God. What a strength to have a Saint in the family! You have today two family centers- one here and one in heaven. You are equally loved in both these homes. You are held back on this earth, and you area waited up above, and your heart goes from one to another.
Isn't it beautiful?
And today I will not close the door behind me as we have for 6 months, but leave it open- I openly love my son and I welcome thinking about him all the time, seeng his picture, seeing the chair where I would have nursed him and rocked him to sleep, seeing the baby brother doll and big sister one by it's side. I think this is a step, a sign of where we are. What comfort. What peace. What hope. We have a saint in heaven.
I love you sweet angel up above.
I love you too Mom.
Mom, I just envision you are holding our sweet boy and loving him. Combing his beautiful hair and kissing his sweet cheeks. Please do this for me as often as you can.
There is so much I could honestly say and write about, but I will try to keep this post focused. About a month after Hunter was born, we found ourselves putting stuff in the nursery. Random stuff- bills, winter coats, things gathered from my parents house, magazines, lots of birthday bags full of tissue paper from Samantha's 3rd birthday party in April. It's become chaotic- a bit unorganized and honestly just a bit of a mess. A pig pen of sorts. I guess in so many ways that room is a metaphor of how I was/am feeling- a mess, chaotic, unorganized in trying to figure out life after loosing the baby I carried for 39 weeks and 1 day. I have blocked off days on my calendar to try to clean it, but it never happens. One, because it is scary to face the tears, to face the dreams that wont be fulfilled. Two, because I dont quite know where I will put the stuff in there.
Well today I made it happen. I just started to take things out- to place them in the living room and in the kitchen. Then I started to tackle all of the baby stuff. I hung up the big poster I made for his funeral. I put the picture frame together that was just sitting around in a box- the kind that has a photo and then a place for his hospital bracelet, just like Samantha has in her room. I put the baby brother stuffed doll and big sister doll that I got Samantha for Christmas on the chaise lounge, along with the prayer blanket some family gave me. I put the books, poems and cards in the nightstand. I put the memory box with a scrapbook, photos, his baptism certificate and other momentos on the bookshelf along with a very special stuff elephant (an elephant a dear friend brought me the night Hunter was born in the hospital). I put mom and dad pins, crosses, and heart and angel tokens we received in a hunter green balloon memory box. I put his ashes and a cross on the nightstand and a candle which says "comfort" there too. All of these beautiful things gifts from friends and family- aside from the Christmas dolls.
There is now a place of comfort. I sat in the chair and looked around. I cried a lot- remembering what it felt like to hold him in the hospital and remembering all the dreams we had for him and for us. Its still a bit raw and tough to handle- especially told on his 6 month birthday. But I wanted to face the pain, so I went back through and read alot. Its amazing how reading something now is so different from reading the same thing 5 months ago. I wanted to share something that really brought me comfort and hope today. Ryan is coming home from MA today and I hope he finds the room to be a place of comfort and hope for him too.
My old boss- shared with me a letter from a priest to a woman who had also lost a baby and it says:
I cannot help rejoicing too, that you have a child in heaven now. This a certain truth you can bank on absolutely- the effect of Baptism. I am filled with wonder and gratitude at the thought that you, poor travelers and pilgrims on earth, are the parents of a Saint, because your child is in that heaven to which we all aspire. In a moment this child has gained seniority over any brothers or sisters he may have, over his parents, over all mortal men. He is more learned than the wisest of us, for he sees everyting in God. He sees and enjoys everything we wish for, and has immediately reached the goal we pursue with difficulty. You and your other children can rely on a tender protector before God. What a strength to have a Saint in the family! You have today two family centers- one here and one in heaven. You are equally loved in both these homes. You are held back on this earth, and you area waited up above, and your heart goes from one to another.
Isn't it beautiful?
And today I will not close the door behind me as we have for 6 months, but leave it open- I openly love my son and I welcome thinking about him all the time, seeng his picture, seeing the chair where I would have nursed him and rocked him to sleep, seeing the baby brother doll and big sister one by it's side. I think this is a step, a sign of where we are. What comfort. What peace. What hope. We have a saint in heaven.
I love you sweet angel up above.
I love you too Mom.
Mom, I just envision you are holding our sweet boy and loving him. Combing his beautiful hair and kissing his sweet cheeks. Please do this for me as often as you can.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
EKB
I Will See You Again
Corina Coburn
The sun shall rise,
and sure to set.
Her time has come,
have no regret.
Her life she lived,
we sure all know.
A better place,
she has to go.
Rejoice today
it's at an end.
And she will see us,
once again.
At 6:28pm tonight my wonderful, beautiful Mother (Elaine Butterfield) peacefully passed away at home with us by her side. I will forever miss her and love her to pieces. I feel a new giant hole in my heart. We knew this was coming and we were preparing, but you can never really be ready. I think I am still in shock. She was ready to go and I hope and pray that she and Hunter are together. And hopefully right now she's giving him a huge squeeze and telling him all about us. I can only aspire to be the kind of Mom she was every day.
Off to bed, need to prepare to somehow tell my sweet baby girl that her "BB" has passed and is now a star in the sky with "baby brother." Lord please grant me strength for this and the days ahead.
2012- I'm ready for you to end. 2012 I hate you.
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