18 MONTHS LATER

I am always surprised by grief triggers.  This weekend a family acquaintance from childhood thought I was my Mom and asked "how old are the girls now?"  Sent me bawling in the car for 15 minutes missing my Mom.  And I really just wasn't prepared or aware that the 18 month angelversary of Hunter would hit me this hard- emotionally consumed with thoughts of Hunter for days.  I thought we made it past a year and that's when its really hard.  But the truth is- grief can send you spiraling backwards any time.  Grief is always part of my journey now.  Something I read this weekend said "grief is love" and I like that- its so true.  You grieve because you have loved.  We have loved.  I have loved.  Loved my Mom and my Son.

I think part of it is that very rarely do people mention Hunter anymore or our pain or our loss.  Noone references our pain in conversations anymore and its more like we have to hide it.  Or we have to bring it up. Its hard- its hard to be different.  Its hard that when friends with newborns invite us to do something, especially if they have a little boy, I have to ask if the baby will be there to be prepared or to decline the invite.  Its hard that when a neighbor is about to bring home their baby from the hospital and we've carried on talking about breastfeeding and newborn advice that I have to protect myself and stop to say I am not sure I am ready to see him. I have to bring up our pain and our loss and how every day we are envious, jealous, sad, angry and that even though we look and act and carry on like before we had Hunter- we aren't the people we were before Hunter.  We are fragile.  We are sad.  We have to really focus on our emotions and prepare ourselves for situations. It's exhausting.

Everyone's lives go on but part of our life never does move froward.  I am finding that society feels like grieving is for a year and after a year you are just better.  Its not true.  Every day we miss our son, every day I relive parts of my pregnancy, every day I think about the what ifs or spend time trying to find out just why this happened to us.  Why was Hunter taken for no know reason- born perfectly beautiful and healthy, but with no heartbeat? Its heartbreaking and it never goes away.

We are always left with only knowing what our son looked like the day he was born and died. We will only know our son weighing 8lbs 2.3 ounces.  We will only know our son being 20 3/4 inches.  We will only get to hold on to one little lock of beautiful brown hair.  We will only have newborn pictures. We will only have the one video of our son- the one my sister took of us reading to him. We will only have his newborn pictures.  We will never get Mothers Day and Fathers Day school gifts with his new handprints.  I treasure the things we do have but also really grieve the things we will never get to do, to see, and to experience with him.

We love you.

A Big THANK YOU for paying it forrward

I'm sorry about the delay in posting.  I think it was fear and sadness in the conclusion of the year that hindered me from sitting down to write this post.  Maybe that sounds weird.  But some part of me just couldn't write this and summarize all that everyone did- maybe it made it all the more real.  The reality is that I had to ask people to do nice things in my son's honor instead of throwing him a birthday party, picking out his first birthday cake, obsessing about what trucks and balls to buy, picking out the birthday monogrammed coveralls you know I would have found, posting facebook pictures of the cake all over Hunter's face, and so forth.  I guess it all sank in and it just made it hard to write this Thank You Post. 

Just one more thing to process and absorb- and figure out. We really did loose our gorgeous son at 39 weeks for no reason.  Just two days after my Drs appt where all looked good and we were doing our final preparation and nesting, our world changed.  That Saturday afternoon- 2 days before my scheduled C-Section- I felt no movement and we went to the hospital and found no heartbeat.  Its true. I had a stillborn son. We have found no reason for his passing.  Its true and it will always be true.  This sadness and this loss is never going away. For the rest of my life, I will miss my son until I meet him in heaven with my Mom by his side.  I long for that day but also treasure my days here on earth don't get me wrong.

Okay, so this post was to be a thank you.  THANK YOU for honoring our son with the GENEROUS gifts.  I posted earlier about all the items donated that we could take to the Mercy Heartprints group. Amazing. And after that post, even more gift cards and great scrapbook items came in to donate.  It was a beautiful moment to bring all of that in to the hospital and to know that in Hunter's name all the other parents expressing this great loss will find some comfort with baby books/scrapbooks and reading books.

Next, it was all the emails and notes about how you went to Pay it Forward for Hunter! Such beautiful tales were received.  And we heard from many folks at work, at the airport and at home that were seeking things to do in Hunter's name but hadn't quite found the perfect moment.  We thank you for searching and hope you were able to find that special gesture to warm your heart and the hearts of someone else.

Here is a summary of some of what was done for Hunter to help create a happier place all across this country.

A friend or family member. . .
* climbed under and over counters to help another customer in a busy check out line with her purchases
* dedicated time and made a monetary donation to the local Food Shelter and Meals on Wheels
* purchased and donated children's books for grieving children who lost siblings or loved ones
* volunteered at the local hospital and helped someone who is always doing random acts of kindness
* delivered cough syrup to a sick friend
* secretly bought a lunch for a stranger
* secretly bought someones Starbucks order
* made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the homeless

Thank you. Thank you for helping make this last first milestone positive in many ways.  Our hearts were sincerely warmed by your gifts, your acts of kindness, your notes and emails, calls, cards and thoughts and prayers.

THANK YOU!!

Here are a few special pictures and memorials from our weekend in Lake Geneva, WI:

Giving to others in Hunter's Honor

Thank you.  And there will be more thank yous coming for other donations and acts of kindness.

Thank you for the donations to the  Mercy Hearprints group. 

We cant imagine having survived this year without the Heartprints Nurse Leader, Maggie, who met us right after Hunter was born, was by our side every day we were in the hospital, calls us and emails us, shares prayers and thoughts, leads our monthly support group, hugs us, and helps guide us on this path.  Maggie is an Angel herself and is so very nurturing and compassionate.  I am so happy to be giving something back to her with your help- to continue her journey and mission with new books from Barnes and Noble and Amazon and all of the scrapbook supplies she (and her helpers) can use to help make beautiful baby books (we treasure our book). 

Thank you for making this possible- thank you for these beautiful gifts.  Thank you for finding the grief and support journey an important one for other baby loss parents.  Thank you for helping support the current parents and the future parents who unfortunately find themselves part of this group.  We are grateful for Maggie and all of the new friends we have made at Heartprints.

Our hearts are truly warmed in being able to give so many amazing items to Heartprints in Hunter's honor this week.

Love,
Betsy and Ryan

Papers, stickers, scrapbook pages, cut-outs, labels, and gift cards

Signs of our Angel

While I am totally exhausted and ready for bed after our fantastic mini-vacation to Lake Geneva, WI, I had to share the amazing sign Hunter sent us today on his first angelversary.  I want to go through the emails, cards, tales of "paying it forward" but havent quite gotten there yet after our journey home.  I cant wait one bit to get to all of that tomorrow.  But for now just really had to share this amazing story!!

We stopped on our drive home in Illinois near the Illinois River to release our Hunter Green balloons (and a red one for my Mom).  As we had pulled in to the park area one eagle flew above our car only about 100 yards away leading us in to the river and the beautiful forest.  We didnt see any more eagles until right after we released our green balloons.  Without a doubt, a beautiful eagle flew right over us, swooping down quite low. 

I am just learning to use my new camera and of course havent figured out the lens and settings for night photos.  BUT if you look close enough you can see the eagle right between the two trees.. ..that's our boy, without a doubt!

Love you and MISS YOU so much Hunter.  Thanks for sending us a sign. 

Hunter
Spiritual Connotation: Pursuer of truth
Scripture: Lamentations 4:19
Our pursuers were swifter than the EAGLES in the heavens; they chased us on the mountains, they lay in wait for us in the wilderness

1 year angelversary

I cant believe its almost been a year.  It's been fast and slow.  This time last year we were excited and overjoyed and somewhat nervous and stressed about meeting our baby boy.  I was getting a couple things monogrammed for him the week leading up to the scheduled c-section (January 17th). I am so happy that I did that. Holding on to his blue Hunter blanket brings me such comfort.  It was with him for the 4 days in the hospital and now for our life we will treasure that blanket.  Its normally by my bed for a good snuggle and cry.

I do keep going over and over that week, the last days, etc and I think its because we have so little to hold on too. But its hard to remember those days as it just brings up lots of pain. Remembering the feeling of not feeling a kick, the frantic packing of goods to go to the hospital- I mean were we having a baby or just having a check up or not bringing a baby home, and then doing an ultrasound and seeing no heartbeat.  Its all very painful to remember.  But its also painful to forget. 

I am trying not to focus on reliving that week and especially that day- its just so painful.  I am trying to focus on love and how we loved him and how it felt to have Hunter in our arms. To focus on how much we loved and still love our son. I am trying to focus on what we have learned or how we have changed. I am trying to focus on loving my family and treasuring every day. I am trying to focus on hope for the future and finding the courage and strength and faith to try and have another child.  And to focus on how his life can make a difference either by helping us grow, helping us love, teaching us and others, or doing good.

I wish I hadn't had to learn or live or experience this and so sometimes it makes it hard to say we learned something. ..and I don't like to think that Hunter was born or died for us to learn something.  Maybe that is true- may be that's God's plan but I just cant get there.  I still have alot of questions for God for why he'd do this to us and other parents out there.  I am reading alot and learning from others that have lost children, but it will take time.

So for now, I am focusing on my love for Hunter and trying to lead a good life.  To make Hunter proud.  To somehow have his life leave a good mark on the world and not just one of extreme sadness.

So with all of this rambling said, we are asking friends, family and strangers to help us celebrate his life and his angel wings this year! As part of our Christmas card we wrote and asked the following:

We are about to celebrate Hunter's 1 year angelversary.  Hardly an hour goes by that we don't miss and remember our sweet, handsome, loved son.  Just as you might have given him or another 1 year old a birthday gift, we ask that you please honor him by doing 1 of the following:
1) Pay it forward on Hunter's birthday by doing something nice for someone (shovel their driveway, pay their Starbucks order, provide a baked good at thier door, feed the hungry).  Please send an email to betsy.b.webb@us.pwc.com with your story to be shared on our website http://hugsforhunter.blogspot.com
2) Send to us donations of scrapbook BABY papers, stickers, and other supplies to be donated to the Mercy Hospital Mercyprints Group for angel baby books for other grieving parents
3)  Send to us Amazon or Barnes and Noble gift card donations for books for the Mercyprints grieving families     


We'd love to have Hunter leave a special mark across the world on January 14, 2013 for his first angelversary. 

Lots of love to you and your angels,
Betsy, Ryan and Samantha

Share Walk for Remembrance and Hope

I often think about posting.  I really want to get back to doing it- its helpful for me to share and I hear from others its helpful to hear how we are doing. So, I will get back to it. One day.

Today a little post and some info. 

So much of our life is normal- we work, we go to preschool, we clean, we do yardwork, we go out to most social events. But then there is so much of our life that is not normal.  Crying looking at pictures, a pain that never quite goes away, dreams of a baby we never got to see take his first breath or hear his first cry, anxiety thinking about Christmas without my Mom and all her traditions, nervousness meeting up with people or talking to people with babies- mostly baby boys.  A moment of crying for my son and the next crying missing my Mom. Sitting on conference calls and then getting really sad and during lunch taking a shower and crying.  Its just our new reality, one I wish I could send back. Our new normal. 

So as much as I hate our new normal and our new reality.  I love our baby, and I love my Mom.  So I try to focus on that love and their memory and cherish those things as much as I can and not be overcome by pity, anger, pain, hatred, or confusion (and there is mostly a lot of confusion and questions about why?).

That was my short post. 

I like to cherish the memories and the dreams that once were.  So join us in remembering Hunter and helping spread HOPE.  Hope that one day there will be answers for why babies die for no reason. Hope that we can have another healthy living child one day.  Hope that we can help comfort others in pain.  Help us remember the sweet son that we get to forever love.  Walk or donate.

https://www.z2systems.com/np/clients/share/campaign.jsp?campaign=25&team=83&fundraiser=648632#.UEQgAEv3kvY.facebook

6 months

I have not written since the loss of my Mother.  I miss her along with Hunter every single day.  I still cannot believe I lost two of the people I love the most in the world in such a small amount of time. Every day I try to wrap my head around this and every day its a tiny bit easier.  My heart aches every day- I love them so very dearly and miss them so much.
There is so much I could honestly say and write about, but I will try to keep this post focused.  About a month after Hunter was born, we found ourselves putting stuff in the nursery.  Random stuff- bills, winter coats, things gathered from my parents house, magazines, lots of birthday bags full of tissue paper from Samantha's 3rd birthday party in April.  It's become chaotic- a bit unorganized and honestly just a bit of a mess.  A pig pen of sorts.  I guess in so many ways that room is a metaphor of how I was/am feeling- a mess, chaotic, unorganized in trying to figure out life after loosing the baby I carried for 39 weeks and 1 day.  I have blocked off days on my calendar to try to clean it, but it never happens.  One, because it is scary to face the tears, to face the dreams that wont be fulfilled.  Two, because I dont quite know where I will put the stuff in there. 

Well today I made it happen.  I just started to take things out- to place them in the living room and in the kitchen.  Then I started to tackle all of the baby stuff.  I hung up the big poster I made for his funeral. I put the picture frame together that was just sitting around in a box- the kind that has a photo and then a place for his hospital bracelet, just like Samantha has in her room.  I put the baby brother stuffed doll and big sister doll that I got Samantha for Christmas on the chaise lounge, along with the prayer blanket some family gave me.  I put the books, poems and cards in the nightstand.  I put the memory box with a scrapbook, photos, his baptism certificate and other momentos on the bookshelf along with a very special stuff elephant (an elephant a dear friend brought me the night Hunter was born in the hospital).  I put mom and dad pins, crosses, and heart and angel tokens we received in a hunter green balloon memory box.  I put his ashes and a cross on the nightstand and a candle which says "comfort" there too.  All of these beautiful things gifts from friends and family- aside from the Christmas dolls. 

There is now a place of comfort.  I sat in the chair and looked around. I cried a lot- remembering what it felt like to hold him in the hospital and remembering all the dreams we had for him and for us.  Its still a bit raw and tough to handle- especially told on his 6 month birthday. But I wanted to face the pain, so I went back through and read alot.  Its amazing how reading something now is so different from reading the same thing 5 months ago.  I wanted to share something that really brought me comfort and hope today.  Ryan is coming home from MA today and I hope he finds the room to be a place of comfort and hope for him too.

My old boss- shared with me a letter from a priest to a woman who had also lost a baby and it says:

I cannot help rejoicing too, that you have a child in heaven now.  This a certain truth you can bank on absolutely- the effect of Baptism.  I am filled with wonder and gratitude at the thought that you, poor travelers and pilgrims on earth, are the parents of a Saint, because your child is in that heaven to which we all aspire.  In a moment this child has gained seniority over any brothers or sisters he may have, over his parents, over all mortal men.  He is more learned than the wisest of us, for he sees everyting in God.  He sees and enjoys everything we wish for, and has immediately reached the goal we pursue with difficulty.  You and your other children can rely on a tender protector before God.  What a strength to have a Saint in the family!  You have today two family centers- one here and one in heaven.  You are equally loved in both these homes.  You are held back on this earth, and you area waited up above, and your heart goes from one to another. 

Isn't it beautiful? 

And today I will not close the door behind me as we have for 6 months, but leave it open- I openly love my son and I welcome thinking about him all the time, seeng his picture, seeing the chair where I would have nursed him and rocked him to sleep, seeing the baby brother doll and big sister one by it's side.  I think this is a step, a sign of where we are.  What comfort.  What peace.  What hope. We have a saint in heaven.

I love you sweet angel up above. 
I love you too Mom.
Mom, I just envision you are holding our sweet boy and loving him. Combing his beautiful hair and kissing his sweet cheeks.  Please do this for me as often as you can.

EKB

I Will See You Again
Corina Coburn

The sun shall rise,
and sure to set.
Her time has come,
have no regret.
Her life she lived,
we sure all know.
A better place,
she has to go.
Rejoice today
it's at an end.
And she will see us,
once again.

At 6:28pm tonight my wonderful, beautiful Mother (Elaine Butterfield) peacefully passed away at home with us by her side.  I will forever miss her and love her to pieces.  I feel a new giant hole in my heart.  We knew this was coming and we were preparing, but you can never really be ready.  I think I am still in shock.  She was ready to go and I hope and pray that she and Hunter are together.  And hopefully right now she's giving him a huge squeeze and telling him all about us. I can only aspire to be the kind of Mom she was every day. 

Off to bed, need to prepare to somehow tell my sweet baby girl that her "BB" has passed and is now a star in the sky with "baby brother."  Lord please grant me strength for this and the days ahead. 

2012- I'm ready for you to end.  2012 I hate you.

International Bereaved Mothers Day- May 6

I am wirting this not to get comments, posts, contact, etc or to be selfish in needing support.  We have had an abundance of support in so many ways- I feel so incredibly loved.  I am posting this because everywhere you turn there is someone who has experienced great loss and possibly the loss of a child.  I am amazed to find out how many wonderful families have lost a beautiful child or children for no reason.

Like us, it may be your plumber, your housekeeper, your doctor, your coworkers, your coffee barista, your preschool pto co-president, your old neighbor, your relative. 

So I am posting this to educate and to praise the families, especially the MOTHERS this month, who have lost a child.  Its a pain beyond all others.  I celebrate and remember your beautiful children today and every day.  I hope you find peace and comfort in remembering your child in a special way today and that you tend to your own heart and your mind right now. 
If you care to learn more about this day and to learn more about caring for those that have lost children take a look at the following links and information below. These are great suggestions to really care for anyone in need, anyone grieving any loss, etc.
http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/healing/how-family-and-friends-can-help
http://facesofloss.com/friends-family/10-ways-to-support-the-person-in-your-life-who-has-just-lost-a-baby
http://www.nationalshare.org/family-friends.html

I have also included some beautiful artwork done and is shared broadly across the babyloss/infant loss/bereaved parent community.




From the CarlyMarie Project:

International Bereaved Mothers Day was created by us in 2010 and it now falls on the first Sunday of every May. This year’s day is on Sunday May 6th 2012.

This special day was created to honour and celebrate mothers who carry some if not all of their children in their hearts rather than their arms.  In our modern day society, mothers who are grieving the death of their babies and children are usually forgotten. The traditional Mothers Day has proven to be an emotionally difficult day for so many mothers around the world.

On this day each year we come together to celebrate our connection, our babies and children and our hope for the future. We look at their ultrasound photos, polish their urns, lay flowers at their graves, visit special places and light candles in their memory.

Sunday May 6th 2012, get together with your closest friends and family who understand and celebrate you. Celebrate your children.

Hydrangea

Second post for the day- wow!

Just learning to keep my eyes open and peeled for signs of Hunter, angels and good wishes.  Its an amazing journey to consider this and to think about life upstairs with God.

As I pulled out of my parents drive-way this morning after my sleep-over with my Sister and my Mom  (Dad was here too, just in the other room) last night I caught a glimpse of a  blue hydrangea bloom in my Mom's gardens.  I couldn't quite believe it since my hydrangeas haven't bloomed yet and I really haven't seen any around town either.  So when I came back over a few hours later I took a stroll to the front of the house- and sure thing her hydrangeas have bloomed! There are like 3-4 nice blooms of the beautiful blue flowers, the other blooms yet to open up as you can see in the picture below (one still to flower and the other with lovely blue flowers).  I can't believe it- they bloomed just for her.  I believe this is God's way of telling me she's going to be okay and that we'll always have beautiful things surrounding us to remind us of her daily.

My Mom loves a hydrangea- white and blue being her favorite! This one right now as a mix of both (and even a little purple).

Nature

I don't know what to make of all these creatures around us- they just keep popping up.  Are they here to bring us peace?  Are they Hunter coming to say Hi?  In just the past week Ryan and I continue to find signs of nature and wildlife around us. 

1- A bunny nest in our front yard. Amazing that they have survived our "gruesome twosome" labs, but they have and are so cute (at least most have survived).  Our real bunny, Samantha, is loving watching these little guys.

2- Ryan caught a snapping turtle by accident fishing. Huge guy.

3- Ryan found a red summer tanager bird, not particularly common around here (online photo- not real pic)

4- I came home the other night and found a baby bird that had fallen from a nest on our neighbors car. Ryan moved it to higher ground, we think it survived and got the guts to fly off.
5- Last night at my parents I walked in to the den and on the window was an amazing tree frog (not the ones that live in the pool).  And then when I walked out the backyard there were more frogs everywhere- jumping, on the door handle, etc.
6- Today, a small baby turtle found on the front yard about a foot away from the bunny nest.  There is no water or any logical place for a turtle to have come from, I am clueless.

The other odd thing was the reaction the stingrays had to Ryan at the Zoo last week.  They were seriously obsessed with his arm and couldn't get enough- he had washed his arm up to his eblow, per Zoo rules, and taken off his watch and they still went after him. Even the Zoo Supervisors couldn't believe the reaction the stingrays had when his hand was in the pool to pet them.

Just a strange week of beautiful signs of nature following us everywhere. . .

UPDATE: After posting this I just saw this quote on facebook with a picture of a blue butterfly ". . .likes to think that whenever we see a butterfly nearby, it's a loved one who has come down from heaven to say hello." That made me remember all of the butterflies that have been in our yard this Spring and all throughout our neighborhood.  I have never seen so many butterflies.  They have been beautiful to watch swarming around our flowering bushes.  I totally think they are Hunter coming down to say Hello. Love you.

Soon they'll be together

Only time will tell now, but very soon my Mom is going to hug the heck out of our baby boy.  Soon they'll be together. Soon, she'll tell him about us. Maybe they'll dance, maybe they'll sing, maybe they'll make her apple pie. Soon she wont be uncomfortable, confused, tired, sad.  We are going to miss her so much- so very much. We already miss him so much.  I am going to have two of the biggest holes in my heart ever, I am scared.  I am sad.  Its a pain beyond belief.  To loose a Mother and a Son in only 4 short months- life is so not fair.  I hate 2012.  I hate our new reality, our new world.  Will I ever understand why this has all happened to us?  Will I ever understand why this has all happened to us at the same time?  Our families have endured too much- loosing a son, a mother, a grandmother (Anne Webb). All I can say, the only silver lining, is that soon Hunter and my Mom will be together. 

Hunter is Always with Us

Hello!

I am sorry I haven't been around much. I have been spending as much time as possible with my Mom in her final days.  Also, this blogger site had to be upgraded and well I just didn't have the patience to figure it all out.  I think I have done it now.  So this is a "test" post really, but I thought while I was on I'd share a couple of pictures demonstrating how we are bringing Hunter with us on special days (and every day really).
Hunter's balloon at Samantha's 3rd birthday party

Hunter's Happy Easter balloon that we released to him Easter night when the stars were out

More updates to come now that I think my site is updated. 

Much Love,
Betsy

Hunter's Sunset

Angel parents are amazing.  They just are and its been a pleasure getting to meet so many wonderful people and to work with them, converse with them, share with them.  Like I have said before, I never wished or thought about being part of this community but I am thankful for the sweet, kind, loving community I find myself a part of now.  Through web surfing I found a woman in Australia who lost a child and in a dream heard from her son that she should help others through creating these angel sunsets. Amazing.  She's really an inspiration with her photography, message, mission and work.  I was lucky enough to get the link to Hunter's sunset photo on his 9 week ANGELversary- it meant so much. I now have the digital file too so we can have a print in our home!  I just find so much peace and comfort in this sunset- its blue and yellow and calm and bright.  I cant stop looking at it.  I just feel like Hunter was really coming through at that exact moment when she snapped that picture on Christian's Beach in Australia.  Thank you Carly Marie!

Here is a link to Hunter's Sunset page and the poem written by my Aunt Susie:

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/hunter-charles-webb.html

Here is a link to her website page that is to help friends and family understand infant loss as a means to educate:
http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/healing/how-family-and-friends-can-help

Quiet

Quiet.

I have been a bit quiet.  Just dealing with alot of day to day grieving and a lot of day to day  (or as many as I can) visits with the greatest woman in the world, my Mom, who continues a battle with cancer.  I dont want to publicly dive in to much right now but my Mom is home under Hospice Care and is comfortable and her pain is being managed. She's still beautiful and sweet and finds a way to make me smile and laugh each day.  I just love her so. She's my Mom and just being by her side and sitting with her, watching Ellen, looking at magazines, getting her water, talking, or not even talking is lfull of love and is where I feel truly comfortable.  And tonight I even saw my parents dance! I love her, I love my family.

So for now I am going to be a bit quiet. . .tending to my family, my Mom and taking care of me. 

Much love to everyone out there- friends and family who daily send texts, emails, calls, voicemails.  We appreciate them all and thank you for the prayers and thoughts and tender gifts.  We still cant keep up with responding and are sporatic but please keep them coming- we love you all and thank you for everything every day.  I couldnt get through this horror without all of you by my side.

Firsts and Community

Its been a week of firsts. Not the firsts I really wanted- not the first smile, the first bath, or the first coo. Not the first sleep through the night, the first tummy time, or the first walk in the park. Instead, I had my first therapist appointment, my first real fun in nearly 2 months, and my first high risk Dr's appointment.

Its also been a week of discovering my new community. Not the community I ever wanted to find myself in the middle of but one that has brought me comfort and love.

And so with the firsts. . .The therapist appointment was a nice one- speaking to a woman who deals with many other angel parents. I cried, I laughed, I opened up, I talked, I listened and I got homework.

Ryan and I met with the high risk Dr today- no answers as we suspected. No conclusions on the reason for our sweet son's passing. We are going to have to come to terms with the not knowing from here on out. The new Dr was comforting about the future and helped us understand what our next pregnancy might be like as for extra testing, monitoring, appointments, etc. You might be asking- how long will we wait? Medically and emotionally speaking we have been advised to wait between 6 months to 18 months (from Hunter's birth in January) to try again based on medical studies done of pregnancies after a stillborn. That advice we will take and will do it "when its right" for us and until then will try to focus on healing, our health, our family, our grief, and so much more. And until then I will be enjoying some alcoholic beverages, an abundance coffee (in a to-go/paper cup when I can), deli meats, and sushi because I suspect with this next pregnancy I will not be giving myself any freedom or straying from the pregnany rules. I just suspect it will be a terrifying ride, always second guessing, always nervous, always wanting to be extra safe.

We did manage to have our first real "fun" in 7 weeks. Ryan took off for some fishing with a friend in TN/AL and really enjoyed the lake, the environment, the fish, the friendship. I had a dear friend and her adorable blue eyed stud of a toddler son come to town to keep us busy and entertained- and that they did! We just had fun all around with the kiddos who are destined for true love and marriage down the road. We even had a girls night on Friday with another friend visiting and my sis. We talked about Hunter and my pain when needed and other times we had fun- I felt normal, just with a hole in my heart. We had Chinese food, wine/beer, desserts, laughs, gossip, and great talks. A plain old wonderful girls night.

These were all great firsts. I wish with all my heart that they were different firsts, but they are what they are and I will take them and the movement forward. Never forgetting.

And now to the community. Never ever did I envision we'd be part of this angel parent community. Never did it even ever cross my mind that we could end up here. Never did I think we'd be in this community of people who have lost an infant. The community of those who had a stillborn. The community of parents that had to put their child to rest. The community of people reading infant loss blogs and crying at other stories. The community of parents wondering why God did this to them. But we are here and all we can do is try to figure it out, move forward, listen to God, stick together, love, and learn. And we aren't alone. Of course as I have said time and time again we are surrounded by amazing and thoughtful friends, family, acquaintances and so much more! Thank you. But we also find ourselves meeting others enduring this same pain- our plumber, our housekeeper, a family of a child in Samantha's class, old Boston coworkers, and other parents in our support group. Talking to them brings me peace and a sense of calmness. Even though we talk about such raw emotion and pain, I can find peace and comfort knowing I'm not alone and I walk with others. Together we will grieve and help find comfort and hope. Together we will remember our angel babies and learn how to handle new difficult situations. Together we will always remember to ask their child's name, to ask to see pictures, to ask the story, and to rejoice in the child that was so unfairly taken away from loving parents. Together we will thank our angels and our stars for bringing us sunshine and warm weather. Together we will never judge, we will never look at each other with that I-feel-sorry-for-you face, we will never take for granted our pregnancy and our sweet children. I have found myself in a very warm, loving, caring community and I thank God for bringing them to me. And I know, up there in heaven our children are looking down at us smiling.

Love you Hunter. Love you from the buttom of my heart and I miss you like crazy.

Media stinks

So I am scrolling through facebook, per usual. Over to my right are the stupid advertisements they have. I see a pregnant belly out of the corner of my eye in the ad and I just keep avoiding it as much as I can. Finally the pink belly gets the best of me. The ad says "give your child the GIFT of a lifetime from Gerber Life." Freaking ad, I hate it. I couldnt give my child the gift of a lifetime, i couldnt give him life. Stupid Gerber, stupid ads. I hate you.

Today I also got my BabyCenter email that said "your son at 5 weeks" in the subject and had I openned it would contain information on what my 5 week old should be doing.


Media sucks. Im sorry, it just does. I know its not their job to protect the 1% of all parents a year that have stillborn babies- but likely the number of other infant losses makes up an greater number but still not the majority I realize. But seriously its reminders like this throughout a fairly normal average day that just make me really sad and bring tears to my eyes. I know I tried and did everything I could to give my baby life, I did, it wasn't my fault that Hunter didnt make it- but darn you Gerber for rubbing the fact I didnt bring him "a lifetime" or something didnt bring him a "lifetime."

So just add these along with the formula and breastfeeding book that arrived at the house and the Babies R Us coupons in the to the list of every day, constant reminders that I have no baby and Im not pregnant either.

Shoot,what a way to end a night. Long day (will expand on that more another day- review of autopsy, some more blood tests, more speculation/research of what killed Hunter). Off to eat baskin robbins mint chocolate ice cream pie- thank goodness we brought that home after last night's family dinner. And yep we have double chocolate chip cookies here too- well maybe not for long.

Six Weeks and Wearing Mascara

"Loved with a love beyond telling, Missed with a grief beyond all tears." Author Unknown

Saturday nights are really hard. 10:03pm is especially hard. Its been 6 weeks. 6 weeks that seem to have flown by but also have gone really slowly. Today I wore mascara. Mascara and even lipgloss. I woke up just feeling like I could really conquer the world, or okay maybe just Kirkwood, so I actually "put my face on" and looked fairly pulled together. After 6 weeks I looked fairly normal and presentable. I did wear maternity jeans- thats only because I have found that they are so much longer and my old jeans, while fitting in the waist, are just short and embarrassing. One day when Im up for the horror of jean shopping I will take care of that issue. So I went out to the world with my little lady and had a nice morning.

Did I get home and break down after seeing pregnant women and tiny little newborns- YES. The last few days I have had very mixed emotions about pregnant women and newborns- I am jealous, jealous beyond words and sad, sad for us. But I also am happy- I really am, we really are, but its hard. I dont want want people to shy away from us, I dont want to feel awkward around people expecting, had a baby or trying to have a baby, but the reality is its hard. So please if you are a friend expecting, had a baby or trying to have a baby we really are happy for you and are excited for you because babies are the best gift ever. I also dont want people to be more nervous because of our situation and to cause you stress because of our great loss. Stillborns are only 1% of all US births- 1 measly percent (I still cant believe we are part of the 1%). So please if you are pregnant and seeing this dont stress about a stillborn and talk to your OB for reassurance. And please be patient with us- patient in how we learn to handle this. We just might not be able to ask questions, be around much, etc but we are trying and we really really are happy for you. Does it make me sadder for us? Yes. Does it make me jealous? Yes. Do I cry? Yes. But please please know we are happy and we too hope to be blessed with another sibling for Samantha and Hunter. So we might be selfish and distant but know we are happy for you and just need time.

So this was a day of ups and downs. It was so nice to feel more like myself- to have mascara on and lipgloss and to look pulled together. And then it was sad to think and to know that I cant be the old me any more when it comes to interacting with my loved ones. Its such a hard new reality we are facing. But with every day its getting easier and I just pray that one day, one day God will bless us with another baby- a sibling for our children (a rainbow child they say in the infant loss circles).

But for now, my sweet little Samantha is tucked in to bed and my other little angel is in the heavens smiling down at us. He's smiling and happy that Mom got herself together today. That his Dad caught the biggest bass of his life today. That his sister saw the stars tonight and said "hi" to him up there with the pretty moon. He was with us today- he was and he always is (sorry to end a sentence in a preposition and for the scattered thoughts in this blog).

Comfort and Tears in Music

There is something about music. Its healing but it also hurts. I am finding a message in every song I hear, especially in the oddest places. I cry, I listen, I search for answers.

This Christina Perri song brings me to tears every time I hear it and its on ALL the time now. It makes me so sad but I cant stop listening to it.

My recap: Time is standing still right now for us. We are trying to be be brave. We are not letting anything take time away from thinking about and loving our son. We wait for him, we wait- we hope he's going to just show up and come back to us. We wait to try to hold him again. We wish we could just hold and kiss him. We are dying inside missing him. In the end we know we cant be with him but what we know is that we love him, we loved him for the 9 months he was in my belly and we will love him for a thousand more years.

A Thousand Years (my attempt to get the words right)
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
Standing in front of me
Every breath every hour has come to this
One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling dont be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years
I will love you for a thousand years


The other song that also is on alot and hits home for me is Home by Dierks Bentley. I know there are better days ahead. I do know that, cant imagine it yet but I know its there. This year has been a long hard ride- a long hard ride for my family since my Mom's cancer decided to take over in the middle of the summer to Hunter's passing.. . and the grieving and the pain isn't over, we've got a way to go. But we have home- we have our friends- we have our family and one day its gonna be better. We have each other, but its been a long hard year.

Home

From the mountain tops
To the wave crashed coast
Theres a way to find better days I know
Its been a long hard ride
Gotta ways to go
But this is still the place that we all call home

The Public

I knew going out in public and starting to be "normal" would be beyond difficult. There are no words for the pain endured these first few weeks going out in the public.

First it was the receptionist at the OB appt two weeks after I left the hospital. I checked in and mind you I confirmed my insurance information for the 100th time since I was pregnant, I hate every week or every other week being asked that same question. For crying out loud you see me all the time NO MY INSURANCE INFORMATION HASN'T CHANGED AND WHEN IT DOES I WILL TELL YOU. I know they have to do it, but it always bugs me. Then, the receptionist shut the thin little glass window and I heard her say to the nurse- "thats the girl right, the one that had had the dead baby, right?" Yep thats me, thanks. I am that girl. I am more than that you freaking idiot- I am Hunter's mom- I am a woman that just went through 9 long months of being pregnant and lost a gorgeous baby boy and I can hear you. I didnt loose my hearing when my baby died. Get some common sense, get some compassion for crying out loud.

Then the nurse wanted to have the Dr's student come in to the room with me. She asked if it was alright and I said "I mean if they want to see me cry." Luckily the Dr had more sense and came alone and was very kind and understanding.

I kept putting off going for coffee. If you know me, you know I love coffee and I love the experience of getting coffee in a paper cup, its so much better than a reusable cup it really is. Sorry all you green folks- I do try to use a reusable cup 80% of the time. So because I get coffee frequently many of the cashiers kinda know me. So finally I went in for a cup- I could tell they were looking at by belly. Finally my cashier friend said "what did you have?" Uggh. The pit of my stomach hurt. It wasn't her fault, she didnt know, but it still hurt.

And just yesterday I finally said "I can do it, I can get a pedicure." I love my manicures and pedicures and I absolutely adore the salon I use. Their tag line is "I love you." When you book an appt they say it before you hang up. When you pay they say it. Its a great thing, it really is. My feet were needing some love but I didnt know if I was strong enough to go back in there- to see my salon friends that knew all about the baby boy. I didnt know what to do. I didnt really want to go anywhere else because nowhere else is as good and I'd rather give my girls the money than some stranger. The other thing was this was one of the last places I had been before I had Hunter. That last time was a really happy time- I felt good, I was going to have a baby in 3 days, Samantha was getting over her sickness, I was pampering me. Going back in there now was really sad- I wasn't pregnant nor did I have a new baby. But I did it- I did it, I cant believe I did it. When I made the appt I asked if they knew what had happened- they said they did and I asked them to not speak of it. They listened and I went in and had a nice time- they showed me love and said they loved me and respected my wishes.

A huge step- I did it I relived one of the last moments before the worst moment of my life. But man, man did I wish I was either pregnant or had a baby and not just pretty toes.